Dating : Reasons to (not) text my ex?
I am a 19 years old girl. So far in my life I’ve had only one real, longer relationship. When I was 15, I met a guy online who was 20. I admired him very much and thought he was cool, so we started texting, very soon he became attached to me, we met in real life – everything was safe. But then he started acting weird, obssesive, threatening to ghost me if we don’t meet again face to face. That’s when it became too much for me, and basically I started dating someone else. He then ghosted me.
I mean … for about a year. Then he came back, texting me all the time, by then I became >wiser< and took him back. We started dating for real, but it was long distance relationship (about 400 km) … But he was visiting me every weekend, or I was at his place during holidays. When we weren’t together he was bombarding me daily with paragraphs assuring me of his love for me, and I grew very attached to him, to his opinions about me and the world, he felt like the only safe place to run to. He made me feel like when everyone will be gone, he’ll be there for me. I stopped spending time with friends, I stopped taking seriously anyone’s opinions but his. I started talking like him.
He had very specific interests, unbeliavably smart (IT guy) and everyone thought he was just the biggest weirdo. Because he was doing things out of curiosity, he didn’t care about anyone’s opinions and he was even inventing things that no one thought of before. This is mainly what is drawing me back to him now. That maybe he was mentally so further than anyone else I know, and that he was right all along.
Sadly, he was deeply insecure about himself. He couldn’t stand me talking to any guys, he was even jealous of my family. Very controlling, later even threatening to harm himself if I left. When I did something he didn’t like or made him feel threatened, he stopped talking to me. Even if we were physically together. He just ignored me. Later in the relationship it was happening every time, he came to see me, and shut down within few minutes. Nothing I tried worked. It was the worst frustration ever. Mind you, he was 5 years older than me, a 17 years old girl.
So two years ago we oficially split up, and then came times where I legitimately wanted to die for about half a year. Every day. It was so much for my system and I didn’t know how to put up with such a loss. Those six months are just a blur and me, spilling everything of what I felt onto paper. Eventually I got better, even when I thought it was not possible.
I stopped texting him, but then he started texting me. Every few weeks a message. He was even stalking my social media. I did not want a set back, so I ignored him. Eventually from few weeks it became about a year of ignoring him. When he started sending messages that made me uncomfortable (him talking about my private life) I told him to stop contacting me. He tried couple of times after that, still expressing his eternal love for me, but I turned him down each time. I did not want to go through that again.
Now he has been quiet for some time, and even though I turned him down so many times, I can’t quite forget him. There’s this little ball of doubt inside of me, saying that maybe I am making a mistake and that I should meet up with him and maybe see that he has changed. Because there was really something odd between us, something so special that maybe most of the people never find in their lives.
I don’t know what to do. This inner conflict is troubling me for months and months now. I fear to fall down that hole again, when it took me so long to get out of it. But I feel like he was the only person who ever understood me.
What do I do?
Girl no. You met him when you were 15 and he was 20. There is no reason why a 20 year old man needs to get into a relationship with let alone befriend so young. He has clearly expressed controlling, obsessive, and abusive behaviour and you need to keep distancing yourself from him. If he is so mentally ahead, shouldnt he be running after someone older? I get it, you like him a lot we’ve all been there but just know that his behaviour is only going to get worse if you go back to him because if you can come back to him after all he’s done, what would your limit be? He’ll know you’ll go back to him no matter what he does. You’re young, have your whole life ahead of you and trust me when I say that you will meet people through out your life that will treat you better than he has/will. Just have patience and good things will come.
You definitely did not make a mistake – he pursued you when you were FIFTEEN. It sounds like he was grooming you from the get-go and then revealed his true self as soon as you became wary. At this point it sounds like he’s ingratiated himself into your brain that you’re having a hard time forgetting him entirely. Understandable! It happens! Even when we consciously know someone’s a manipulative predatory shitbag, it’s hard to cut them out of our lives. At this point, I’d recommend deleting your previous convos, deleting his number, and blocking it, as well as any other methods you have of contacting him. That way, if you are tempted in the future, there’s no way to contact him, and no way for him to contact you.
I feel the same way breaking up with my ex. She’s the first to like me for me. I’m going to remain hopeful and live life. She loved me, so someone out there must too. So, I’ll keep improving until she’s by my side for life.