Dating : Why is it always assumed that a man must have a « negative attitude/mindset » if he’s not getting any results from online dating?
This seems to be the common theme on every thread where men post that they aren’t getting results. You will typically have a male (it’s always a male, females don’t face this problem) saying they aren’t getting any replies to their messages, they’re receiving next to no matches, and generally just faced with a stone wall of silence. Any rare reply they do get, it’s a one-sided conversation and the woman ghosts him pretty early on.
The responses which tend to be most popular focus on a « negative attitude/mindset ». It’s assumed that this man must have a negative attitude that is putting women off. Even when the man explicitly says he has photos all of him smiling, he sends out positive-sounding respectful messages, it must always be assumed that his mindset is « negative » or just generally « wrong » in some way.
There will also be people who advise him to « take a break from online dating » and « focus on yourself », as if in 2 months time, things will have magically changed. This is a more politically correct way of saying « no woman wants you, you’re undesirable, you should just focus on other areas of life to put it out of your mind ». Again the bad results are assumed to be from his « frustration » at the whole dating process, and if he takes a break for a while and gets rid of this frustration, he will start having success.
Why is this assumption made when a man doesn’t get results? Do you believe it’s the correct assumption?
It’s easier to say that instead of accepting and acknowledging reality that most men struggle just to get a match on OLD regardless of their attitude. When it’s mostly men struggling with that, it can’t always be their attitude every single time that’s the problem. Most of the time it’s looks or height.
Looks matter more than personality. We all know this, but we’re too afraid to admit it out of fear of sounding shallow.
Also, looks and personality are often conflated. We tend to just assume good looking people have a good personality. Nothing more than the halo effect.
I actually think it’s quite detrimental to an ugly person to tell them that their personality/character is the reason they’re not having dating success. This just leads them to believe that they are inherently bad people, when in reality they could be very good people that just happen to be physically unattractive.
Here’s a list of common things i’ve noticed men make the mistake of doing:
1. Too sexual too fast. This includes comments like « you have a great body » or « you’re so sexy?hot ». Super uncomfortable to have a stranger talk to you in such a familiar way. Even using « hey beautiful » as your opener can be off putting as it makes many women feel immediately objectified. Save the shallow compliments for when you know her, this way she will actually feel beautiful and sexy because it’s no longer a comment purely on their physical appearance.
2. Men seem to have a problem with asking you about yourself. a number of times I’ve mentioned my writing or my interest in art or my love of cooking and baking only to have that not turn into a conversation.
3. Men also seem to have a problem talking about themselves. They don’t care to talk about their interests and give vague answers or change the subject (usually to something sex related, ugh), and a result of this usually has the man coming off as boring or unambitious.
4. Most women don’t need or want validation from you. Show your interest from a position of learning or wanting to learn and not from a position of being impressed or congratulatory for having interests or an appearance, it comes across as very demeaning. Women are people too, having hobbies or interests or education is just as a amazing as when you do it, it’s not special, we don’t need a pat on the back for it, but a discussion on what we know and our opinions (and yours) is always welcome.
5. Quit with the « i’m going to make you feel more special than anyone ever has with this super fancy expensive date ». Chill out and take them for coffee or lunch, gor for drives and walks, save the extravagant dates for when you’ve started having sex. A lot of guys expect sex in exchange for these dates so it can make women uncomfortable.
6. It’s noticeable when the main focus in your life is getting into a relationship (or finding a sexual partner since most guys really only seem to want that) and the message it sends is that you’ll date anyone and most people don’t want to feel like an option. It also gives off the vibe that this woman is responsible for your happiness and that can be a very overwhelming and daunting feeling, it’s also a red flag for insecure and controlling men.
All 6 of these things may not seem negative to you, and if I’m honest i personally feel it’s because you don’t hold enough respect for the women you talk to to notice that these are things that make women feel unimportant and dehumanized, but that is exactly the way you’re making them feel. So yes taking a break from dating is a good option as it can A) get you focused on being your own happiness and fulfilment (which is a hugely attractive quality) and B) gives you time to interact with real life women, like coworkers and family, and get practice treating them like people as complex as you.
Edit: I forgot to add women can be like this too but maybe in different ways. I know I have personally needed to take a break as I noticed myself become less interested in the actual people I was talking to and more interested in the idea of a relationship. These attitudes are off putting to EVERYONE.
Because people dont want to acknowledge that looks/height matter
People don’t want to acknowledge that being ugly by itself is a GENUINE reason to be forever alone, so they delude themselves that it’s all « your confidence or negative attitude » that is always the reason why you’re alone. It’s a bunch of copes, OP, don’t take too much of it seriously.
>Why is this assumption made when a man doesn’t get results? Do you believe it’s the correct assumption?
Absolutely NOT a correct assumption. I’ve seen dudes with that same negative attitude STILL getting girls, and the one thing they have in common is physically attractive or tall.
People dont want to admit the truth as that would undermine the whole race, so better to just continue the lie, way easier….
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If a guy never gets a match, totally his fault, but its not his looks…. that tells you the whole truth right there when you overlay the « people always voice the opposite of there guilt », so its NOT his looks means it IS his looks…
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He may have issues but they cant be looked at as he never gets to conversation level.
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Personally as i dont care anymore, on the odd occasion ive been asked why am i single i say « ive never been asked out », when i get a confounded look they know EXACTLY what i’m on about, the odd few who say « well guys do the asking », i then say « ooo i agree, until you got equality, so i bought right in to that and think its a real great idea, you have 50% or more as you have catching up to do, so your turn to do all the asking for the next 50 years ».
The reason men don’t get results is that women online find 80% of men, worse looking then medium. Pretty simple.
https://www.yourtango.com/2016285828/women-find-80-percent-men-unattractive-says-crazy-study
It’s nothing to do with your mindset. It’s all based on the photos you use. An average dude using a professional filtered photo is going to get more matches than an attractive guy with a grainy bathroom selfy
Professional photos just pop out better. How is anyone going to know the real you?
I never really bought into the positive mindset until recently, and I’m 35. If you had asked me a year ago about it then I would say it is bullshit, but it’s not. You need to be positive. Here’s why: If you are going to work on anything jaded AF then you are not going to put your best work into it. The bad attitude will result in a profile that’s not as good as it could be. On the other hand if you are thinking to yourself that you are going to really nail this online dating thing and you go and get premium pictures, spend hours tweaking your profile you are going to do much better. The mindset is so important. This mindset will follow you into your first date, and into the rest of your life you work on it.
I also think you are taking the break the wrong way. If you are getting frustrated with your lack of results and finally get a match your frustration could come across to the new match or you could be even more angry when it doesn’t work out (again). The break allows you to cool off and come back into the game with a more positive outlook. It is your mindset that changes, not your circumstances.
Feels like I could have written this post, as I’ve made the same observations. Another assumption is if a guy complains about not getting any matches on Tinder then it is due to his looks. While that is certainly true in probably many cases, one has to keep in mind that tinder is in the business of making money and trying to constantly up-sell desperate men to buy its pro and gold features and therefore may not show these men to a wide variety of women on the app (as they may appear much lower in their swipe stacks, which plays directly into the way tinder’s algorithms work with mass majority of men swiping right on women and women swiping left on men). Whereas for women they get swiped on by pretty much everyone so their ELO ranking is much higher and therefore some think if they can so easily attain matches then the issue for men that don’t is they’re ugly (when really it could just be tinders algorithms that intentionally or not work against men). So, in the cases where an attractive man isn’t getting matches from tinder and then comes here to ask what’s going on, people seem to assume the guy is either ugly or has a bad attitude, when in this case it is a byproduct of how tinder’s algorithms work.