Dating : My Girlfriend’s toxic best friend hates me and it’s starting to affect our relationship

Dating : My Girlfriend’s toxic best friend hates me and it’s starting to affect our relationship

Sorry for the long post, but I’m going to see her in a couple days and I really don’t know how to handle any of this.

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s toxic best friend hates me to the point where she gets mad just hearing that I’m spending time with my gf, ghosts my girlfriend whenever they have a fight, and is supposed to move in with her later this year. We were planning spending the entire summer break together (me at her place), but that’s no longer happening so my gf can make time for her friend. I’m disappointed the plans we’ve been talking about for over a month are now out to accommodate a shitty friend and don’t know what to do.

I’ve (21m) been dating a girl (21f) for 4.5 months now. We’re really good together, we have a lot in common and complement each other really nicely. The only problem is her toxic best friend, who I’ll refer to as Claire. My girlfriend and Claire met ~9 months ago at college and became really close. Close as in they spent pretty much every waking moment together for the three months that the particular school program that they were in lasted. They both have been in traumatic relationships in the (relatively recent, ~2-3 years) past and ended up bonding over that, and later over the program. Now that the program is over, they aren’t together 24/7 anymore, but Claire still likes to spend as much time around my girlfriend as she can, which is totally understandable given how close they were and how much they helped one another. Once my girlfriend’s current roommate moves out later this year, the plan is for Claire to move in.

Fast forward to early February, my girlfriend and I meet and start dating. Claire apparently doesn’t like me right off the bat for unknown reasons, but goes along with the relationship. I’ve since come to learn she doesn’t like me because I can be quiet and awkward in person (especially around people I don’t know), and she « doesn’t trust » my girlfriend’s choice in guys, meaning she thinks there’s something wrong with any guy my girlfriend likes or has liked. Things get serious between my gf and I, and we end up spending most weekends together. Claire hates that, but goes along with it since she still gets to spend all of Monday-Friday night with my girlfriend. Throughout the last month or so, my girlfriend and I decide I’m going to start living with her over summer break and we’ll go back to our regular weekend schedule once school starts again and Claire moves in. We’ve both been mentioning pretty often how excited we are for it, and I started really looking forward to it.

Here’s where the problem starts. One Monday a while ago, my gf and I decide to spend an extra day together since neither of us have anything important planned. Later, Claire texts my gf, asking if she wants to hang out, and my gf says she can’t. Claire then proceeds to ignore her for 9 days, which has never happened before and is extremely unusual of her. This obviously really fucks with my girlfriend, but they start talking again after that and everything goes back to normal. My gf is conflict avoidant, but she managed to talk to Claire about it briefly and Claire said she was really jealous of me. My gf said that I’m really important to her and that she wants Claire to at least try to like me, but Claire said « There isn’t anything that could change the way I feel about him » and that she isn’t going to try, and that’s roughly where they stopped the conversation. A couple weeks later, they get into another fight. Claire mentions she thinks my gf feels guilty for spending too much time with me and taking time away from her, to which my girlfriend replies that she doesn’t feel guilty about spending time with her boyfriend at all, nor should she. Claire again ignores her, this time for close to 2 weeks. My girlfriend eventually texts her after they both have enough time to cool off and they’re now talking, once again pretending that nothing happened.

I feel like I haven’t done justice to how much Claire hates me. My girlfriend can’t even mention me without Claire getting mildly upset, let alone mentioning things we did together or that she’s going to be spending time with me instead of her. She exclusively refers to me as ‘penis’ (lol). She says hearing about the things we do together makes her uncomfortable. I have met her once ever, and she did her best to ignore me entirely even though I was nothing but polite. Which is why my gf and I were hesitant to tell her about our plans for the summer. Now that they’re talking again and my gf is planning on having a conversation with Claire about all of this, I asked if she still wanted to go along with what we had planned. She said that she still wants to, but she needs to make time for Claire and that we should probably just stick to the weekend+Monday. Which is disappointing to me, since we’ve been talking about me living with her for over a month, and now that plan is defunct just so her friend doesn’t throw a fit. I’ll go along with it if that’s what she wants though.

I completely understand and sympathize with Claire’s point of view. Best friend starts dating boy she doesn’t like, taking time away from her and her friend. I understand why she would be upset when she heard about me moving in for a few months right before she was supposed to move in even more, and I think it would be really unfair to her, which is why I asked my gf if she still wants to go along with the plan. I also know Claire is important to my gf, and I would feel terrible if I was the reason they stopped talking. I’ve felt like it’s my fault they’re getting into fights recently, and I really don’t want to come between their friendship. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to bring any of this up to my girlfriend, because it makes me feel like I’m making her choose between me and her friend. This is all still really fresh, since we had the conversation yesterday, but even though I know I shouldn’t, I still feel a little resentment towards Claire for being such a shitty friend throughout this entire process and towards my girlfriend for bailing on the plans we made to accommodate a friend who obviously doesn’t care about her feelings and who she’s stressed about talking to and drained after spending time with.

What the hell do I do?

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What do you think?

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  1. Claire is a sociopath that doesn’t understand the concept of other people being happy, and how other people’s happiness should not be linked to her own short of being married/LTR/family, etc.

  2. It sort of sounds like Claire is jealous of your relationship because she isn’t happy herself / doesn’t have a boyfriend. Also, she’s manipulative with your girlfriend for giving her ideas that she should feel guilty about spending time with you and not with her.
    You’ve done nothing wrong, Claire just seems to be the problem. Hope it works out between you and your gf this summer!

  3. It’s a tough position, but your gf is free to spend time however she sees fit. If I were you, I wouldn’t even bring Claire up in conversation. I would just focus on enjoying your time with your gf when you have it, and enjoying time on your other interests/friends when your gf is with Claire.

    When it comes to the two of you being in the same room, be kind to Claire, but you don’t have to go out of your way trying to make friends with her. It’s your gf’s friend, not yours. Just be pleasant around her and give her no reason to complain (although it seems like she’ll find a reason anyways).

    All in all, if you’re pleasant in regards to Claire, but she’s a nightmare in regards to you, your gf will likely pick up on this and scale time back with her (and give you more time).

    Note: Depending on the upcoming living arrangement, if Claire and your gf do end up moving in together, I would chill with your gf at your place so you can avoid all that drama.

  4. Abusive relationships don’t have to be romantic/sexual. Claire is being emotionally manipulative and controlling. If it was a significant other acting this way, it would be unacceptable right? I have a coworker with a friend like this, the amount of stress is not worth it. In my opinion.

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