Dating : “Stop withholding sex if you want a relationship” is not advice that’s geared towards helping you find a long term relationship.
This is often said by men who want sex easier and more frequently, regardless of whether they want to form a relationship with the woman or not.
An important thing to remember is that there are men who will have sex with women that they don’t have relationship interest in. Whether the man doesn’t find her attractive enough, interesting enough, not enough in common, lack of chemistry, not smart enough, etc. Whatever the reason may be, bottom line is there are guys who will have sex with women regardless of these things. Some will ignore a woman’s desire for a relationship and still take the sex if she gives it to them. And that’s why this advice is self serving. It gives a woman hope that if she provides sex, it’ll increase her chances for a relationship but it’s false hope if the man has already decided that he doesn’t see himself in a relationship with her.
Both women and men hold off certain things such as money and sex in order to make sure the person they’re dating is actually interested in them and not what they provide. And there’s nothing wrong with this. There’s nothing wrong with making sure you and the person you’re seeing are like minded and have the same goal and that you aren’t being used. I’m sure both the men and women reading this can recall a time when someone clearly wanted sex or money from them and stopped contact once they realized it wouldn’t work.
So, don’t let other people convince you to allow someone access to you earlier than you feel comfortable.
Case by case. Use your gut judgement people.
Some people will do or say anything for sex. Literally.
Some people will do or say anything for money. Literally.
You can only control you. Don’t play games if you hate losing.
I think people get confused by ‘withholding’ sex. I’ve been told by a guy that’s it’s manipulative not to have sex. Dude we haven’t even met yet!
If you are in a relationship and withholding sex to get what you want that’s not OK. If you are not having sex because you don’t want to that’s OK. It’s OK to not put out until you know if the other person wants a relationship too but I think you need to be upfront about it.
I did not take sexual dysfunctions into account when writing this. That’s on me.
Sex for payment is just that. Sex. You’re just getting your rocks off. There’s no emotional connection nor is it expected. But in a relationship sex is something that heavily contributes to the physical and emotional bond between two partners (who aren’t ace).
I wish you were wrong but I had this happen to me.
Things were going well with a guy, we had sex.
He then goes (I guess he felt guilty,) “I’m sorry, but I was just pretending to want a relationship so you’d sleep with me.”
Cue us never talking again and me being crushed.
As women, we control access to sex and our bodies. I respect my body too much to let just anyone touch it. I have a rule that I don’t have sex unless I’m in a relationship, so the men who don’t want a relationship tend to reveal themselves when I say this. It has been such a blessing.
Edit to add: I always wanted to be the cool girl, sleeping with men early on to prove I was good in bed and compatible with him. Fuck that nonsense.
Do what your are comfortable with. Leave the people telling you otherwise. Not sure what to say if you are not comfortable leaving the person pushing you to do things you are not comfortable with (XD).
On average I have sex with the girl on our 3rd date. I’m single for a while now. A good university friend (male) waited until marriage. They are still happily married.
We are both pretty happy with our choices and where they led us.
I really like this post. A lot of women get so hurt being led on to think a guy likes them and once they have sex, they never hear from them again.
This leaves a lot of women thinking something is wrong with them, they did something wrong, they aren’t good enough etc. I wish men knew how much this hurts.
Explaining it this way can really help women understand that it’s not them that aren’t enough, but more of an understanding of how the male brain functions. The best thing I’ve learnt in life (only recently) is to not take things personally.
I know this also applies the men as well, but I can really only speak from the female perspective.
Idk I can’t blame you at all. I will never know what it’s like to be used for sex but I can understand it must suck. On the other side of this, I just would never enter into a relationship until I know what the sex is like, and I WANT a relationship. If I’m not sleeping with anyone else then I need to be content with our sex life. It just would suck a lot more to have to officially dump someone because you’re sexually incompatible. We should all use our judgement wisely before we sleep with anyone. No casual hookups for me thank you very much. Overrated anyway.
It’s neither good nor bad advice, depending on the circumstances, but it’s always terrible advice if it’s coming from someone who says they want to date the person they are “advising.”
On the anti-side of withholding sex:
– touch is one of the many ways people bond
– sex is a huge part of relationships and trying it with a new partner before things get ‘serious’ can help avoid a really miserable conversation / situation later on
– sex can be fun
On the pro-side of withholding sex
– disease & pregnancy avoidance
– For many people, feeling safe and secure with a partner is a key part of getting good sex
– For those who need to feel safe and secure, sex before one is bonded can be meh and not representative of relationship sex
– telling men ‘no’ on something is a good way to see if he thinks you have a right to say ‘no’ to him
– it is a good weeding tool
– sex early can set up misunderstandings and miscommunications
But if the person advising you not to withhold sex is someone you want to have a relationship with, they’re always just doing it for their own purposes – to get into your pants.
I think it’s reasonable. I think it’s part of forming a relationship. I wouldn’t put a crazy priority on it. But it’d be on the checklist for sure. It’s also a great test to the women to see how « easy » she may be and a great test to the man to see how clever and patient he may be.
On the flipside, several of my long-term relationships began as hookups or FWBs and evolved into something profound and long-lasting (in one case a marriage).
This is tricky. I agree with you – nowadays when many women provide sex very early, it backfires for the ones who need some sort of emotional bond with a guy first to do the act. Those women are left with being pressured, or have to weed out well the men who are looking for something more.
On the other hand, you should have sex when you want to, and feel like you’re comfortable with the person. I’d like to think, if it’s meant to be, you will continue to go further with that person. But it still does suck if the man just disappears.
Biologically speaking, men bond before sex, women bond during it. That also is one reason why women may feel used and sad after he ghosts her after sex, whereas he didn’t bond with her yet. This is biologically speaking.
Why the fuck are men supposed to provide money and women provide sex.
We all should provide for ourselves and fuck each other as we choose to because it’s enjoyable.
Where the fuck is the gender norm less society I was promised.
Why is this written as though only one gender needs to hear it? This is absolutely a message for all.
This whole thing still frames sex as a thing women don’t want to do except for in exchange for something else. Have sex with someone if you want to have sex with them, don’t have (or not have) sex because you think one way or the other is more likely to snare them into a relationship with you, that’s just manipulative. If you feel ripped off that a person doesn’t want a relationship with you after you have slept with them, that’s a strong clue that you didn’t want to have sex with them, you just thought it would get you something.
I will have sex when I want to have sex. This is all a bunch of games and puritanical BS. Sex should never be the commodity you’re trading unless you’re a sex worker. Otherwise sex is a mutually enjoyable thing you should only do when you want to do it.
This this and this. Period.
« Some will ignore a woman’s desire for a relationship and still take the sex if she gives it to them. » – Very true!
There are also some women who will go out on dates with men they have *no romantic interest* in.
Essentially neither gender is standing on « holy ground ». Both men and women are capable of using one another. It’s important to have your own mate selection screening process and « must haves list » for choosing a mate. However just because someone doesn’t want what *you* want doesn’t make them *wrong*. It just means they are wrong for *you*.
When two consenting adults have sex neither person should walk away feeling used.
No one should be having sex with a *hidden agenda* of hoping it will cement a relationship.
Needless to say if you’re already in an *exclusive relationship* or marriage and your partner is unhappy with your sex life as a couple it would be foolish to let that fall on deaf ears.
Once a person decides there is sexual incompatibility they usually will either leave or cheat.
Over time we’re either « growing together » or « growing apart ». There is no neutral.
Communication is the GPS for relationships that lets you know which direction you’re headed in.
*** »While we are free to choose our actions we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. »*** – Stephen R. Covey
Best wishes!
Gender stereotyping much?
If you withhold sex, no point in a relationship. Simple. Women hold the keys to sex and men hold the keys to a relationship
This happen all the time got to be a reason .they must be going somewhere else there.thats the world these days
Know what the only surefire way to get a relationship I know of is? Pick someone who already wants you.
Here’s what I experienced and I often here from other guys:
1. A woman making you wait for sex will make you qualify for sex which is a form of manipulation. And on some guys it will work and other guys will just leave.
2. When she makes you wait for sex it’s not really worth it, seriously: the sex was boring.
3. A woman that is REALLY interested in you wants to experience you. She wants to sleep with you. I had the best relationships with girls I had fast sex with.
4. Maybe woman should also take a look at those guys and learn to differentiate if he’s a player or wants something serious. We only talk about how guys want quick sex and then dump her but there are also guys willing to work on a relationship with a girl.
Things to remember:
– Just because you slept with a guy/girl once (or a few times) does not entitle you automatically to a committed relationship with them.
– Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you are entitled to sex whenever you want from your partner, consent is a two way street.
Consent, consent, consent. Best to be above-board and communicate.
Edit: a word
Sec is something that’s expected ina relationship, it’s half of the reason to get into one. It’s such a big deal that multi year long marriages end as a result of no sex life. You guys can’t get intimately or emotion ally connected without it.
When women wonder why men get attitudes when they uphold it indefinitely. Yeah, they’re sexually frustrated! It depends how long it goes on too. If you set a date then that’s understandable. But making it « until further notice » is a pretty sh*tty thing to do to your partner..no matter their sex.
I agree but also disagree.
People say relationships aren’t about sex, but realistically it’s a big part of it. Sexual chemistry is a huge part of a relationship. Am I saying have sex on the first date, hell no. Not even 2nd or 3rd… But at the same time you don’t have to establish a relationship yet for sex. If you start a relationship and the sexual chemistry is off, it’ll be a failed relationship.
Women give it up too easily nowadays, too easy to trick It seems